Hurricane Schwartz Can Not Force Me to Shop

No matter how many advisories, predictions of significant inconveniences, potential threats, winter mixes, hazardous conditions, frequent gusts, failing visibilities, threats to life or property, lake effects, sustained wind velocities, or even non-existent temperature warnings associated with blizzards he might declare, and no matter how many parka wearing, coyote fur hooded intern reporters they strap to telephone poles all over the Delaware Valley, Hurricane Schwartz can not frighten me into going to the grocery store this time. What the heck is a ROVING Penn Dot Crew anyway?

Oh, you’ve gotten me before, Mr. Schwartz.  You and all those weathermen and women who foam at the mouth when some high pressure system meets a low pressure one over a body of water and starts sucking up moisture and pairs up with gale force winds and begins to careen up from the south.  I’ve gotten in line at Croppers with 24 rolls of Scott Toliet Paper, 6 loaves of Meyers Italian Bread, 4 Dozen Eggs,  3 Frozen lobster tails, and a pound of brown sugar just in case I want to bake something (which I never do).   Not to mention the dog and cat food, chips, salsa, pretzels, soda, hot cocoa mix, matches, candles,bottled water, and chocolate I’ve lugged into the house. I will not wander down aisles this time imagining that I will make huge crock pots of steamy messes that I can post about to admiring Friends on Facebook.  In the past I have reacted to your warnings by spending hundreds of dollars on food that I really didn’t need, I’ve also gotten in line at the gas station and the hardware store to buy shovels, salt, chains, gloves, boots, windshield cleaner, radiator fluid and kerosene.

But not any more.

I’ve declared a moratorium on this kind of knee jerk catastrophe avoidance activity.  Not only do I have most of the stuff from other binges still in my closets and pantry, but I am just fed up with the lines.  I thought about it, realized that I have never, in fifty seven years, been snowed in for more that 24 hours.  I’ve never been without electricity for more than ten hours. And if I had, all that food would have gone bad anyway.  Also, as I’ve gotten older, I have just decided not to go out.  And for the duration of this storm and all future ones, on the extremely rare occasion that I will get stuck at my house due to weather, I am going to relish it.  I will consider it a demonstration of character and faith that this time, I will live on girl scout cookies, canned tomato soup and frozen pizzas that I already have.

So there.